I’m breaking from sharing the timeline of my story, because it happened….
I have now lived longer with my new liver than my old one! I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Early on, for whatever reason, 18 years became a marker for me. I told myself that if I could make to 18 years-I was going to make it.
Since I started thinking about what I was going to say at the party, I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions. I’ve gone from being excited, to being anxious, to being speechless, to thinking maybe I should cancel the party all together. As I was preparing, all of a sudden I began to feel so discouraged, so disappointed in myself. You see I have looked to this day for a long time and now that I am here-I thought it would be different. Really what I thought is, that I would be different. I thought I would be healed. I thought I would be whole. I thought I would be full of gratitude and hope.
This is a time to celebrate life. But here is the thing, a lot of times over the last 18 years I haven’t wanted to celebrate. It’s been really hard. I don’t feel like I’ve handled it very well. On the outside and with my words I can speak of the miracle and God’s goodness-but inside I’ve felt a lot of confusion and grief. I’ve become judgemental and controlling. I’ve become task oriented. I’ve become entitled. As I’ve let my thoughts go there these past weeks, it quickly went dark.
I was shopping the other day and I was thinking about what I was going to say. There are two things wrong with this picture. 1. I was shopping. I hate shopping. Therefore, I cannot expect clear thinking when I’m shopping. 2. I was thinking in my head. As an extreme extravert, when I try to think in my head-things get a little mushy. I need to think with my words. I was going down a spiral and I was going down fast. Thoughts and feelings were overcoming me in ways that I had not experienced.
I just said it, not super loud- “Jesus” and then I said it again. “Jesus” and I just kept repeating it under my breath. All of a sudden I could see and think clearly.
As I reminded my thoughts and emotions who their master was, they quickly rose to the command.
As I have said, I have really struggled with feeling grateful at times. I can be very self centered and entitled. I make mole hills into mountains. I am urgent and controlling.
But I have also chosen to serve Jesus, through whom the world was created by the power of His words. And because of that I have access to MORE. I have access to all of who He is. I have access to More grace, More gratitude. More perspective. More openness. More trust. More surrender.
“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10
This verse has been spoken over my life by different people, in different contexts, in different seasons in my life. But personally this verse has never meant more to me than it does now. At the celebration on Saturday someone said that it’s like I am entering into my third chapter of my life. I LOVE THAT! #newhashtag
Not only did I have a party last weekend, I also decided to get re-baptized. I’m tired of being satisfied with enough. I’m tired of settling for some. I am tired of acting out of trauma. I’m tired of being overwhelmed by grief instead of gratitude. I’m tired of feeling entitled instead of having a servant’s heart. I WANT MORE! And like I said, I believe that as a follower of Christ I have access to ALL of who He is and ALL the power He possesses. So I got baptized to declare to my family, friends and mentors-that I’m all in and I want MORE.
I also believe that it’s a choice. John 10:10 says that He came so they can have full life, the word can indicates that there is choice involved. We have to choose if we are going to access the power of Christ and all He has to offer; but He promises that when we choose Him-we will have access to ALL of Him.
All we need to do is call upon His name with a surrendered heart. All it takes is a word, Jesus. Call upon apon His name and He will come. When He does-He comes with More.
So as I enter into this third chapter of my life, I’m not healed. I’m not whole. I’m not as graceful as I’d like to be. I’m self centered and seek self preservation.
But I commit to this – I choose more.