Christmas musings…

(If you have been following my blog, you know that I am using this season to share my story through a lens of grief. Let me go on a rabbit trail this time; it is Christmas after all:) )

I had to intentionally take a few months off of blogging. I had a few things that demanded my attention. Another reason I haven’t blogged for a while is that it is actually pretty stressful for me. There are so many good bloggers out there. I’m a horrible speller and it takes me a long time to clarify my thoughts.
But…. I do feel like God has put something on my heart to say. So I apologize for my spelling errors or my unclear thoughts. My prayer is that God will speak to your heart the things he has been speaking to mine.
This my 36th Christmas walking with Jesus. And until this year I have never fully grasped the meaning or significance of his birth.

Last week I forced my kids to watch the movie “The Star” and I cried like a baby when all the animals bowed before the cartoon baby Jesus. I feel like I’m hearing Christmas songs I’ve heard a thousand times for the first time. Stories about Mary, Joesph and The Wise Men are causing a pause in my spirit.
Like I said, I’ve heard it all before, but I’ve never been so grateful for it. The gravity of Jesus birth has never been so real.

The reason I have never been able to take in the fullness of his coming, is that I have never felt so found. I had no idea how lost I had been.

I have never experienced the contrast so deeply between Heaven and Earth in my spirit.

I have never felt so much of Heaven in the midst of darkness.

And none of that would be possible if Jesus hadn’t come down to earth. He came as a king and ushered in a new kingdom. A kingdom in which I have lived as a commoner for so long, but not in the castle where I belong.
As a commoner I was certainly part of the kingdom. But I was on the outskirts. On the fringes. I loved the king enough to be His Kingdom, but I remained on the fringes. It was my choice. I was lost there.
But, through Gods kindness, he kept reminding me where I belong. I belong in the castle, beside the king.
He has been doing this for years, drawing me in – gently reminding me of who he has called me to be. But I wasn’t ready. Because to be part of His inner court, in the castle, I had to leave a few things at the door. The purity of His castle cannot hold such things. And although those things were killing me, I took comfort in them.                                        To be part of the inner court, I had to leave my judgement at the door.
But my judgement made me feel powerful….
I had to leave my need to be in control.
But so much of my life has felt out of my control…..
I had to leave my plans at the door.
But obviously I knew best….
Like I said, those things were killing me, but that is what I had grown to know. I oddly found comfort in them.

I always knew there was more.

I couldn’t do it anymore. It was time. I was tired of looking at the castle knowing I was welcome there. I walked up to the door of the castle and I slowly began to lay those things at the door. Jesus was waiting with the door wide open.

The inner courts are glorious.

The love transforms you. The grace is disarming. There is freedom. There is no competition or comparison. You can’t help but to trust the king and His plans. People laugh and wait for his guidance. They are okay with waiting, because they trust the king’s timing.

Man I had been missing out.

There are still many times that I have to go back and drop things at the door. But I will say, when you enter the castle, you don’t want to go back to the common space.

I was talking to a friend about Heaven and Hell. This friend was struggling with who gets to go to and how we get to Heaven. It made me think. As Christians, we put so much hope and focus on the end game – Heaven. What if we didn’t have to wait?

When you think of Heaven, what comes to mind? (Besides angels riding on clouds)


I think of complete peace. I think of complete wholeness. I think of joy and laughter. I think of loving relationships. I think of grace and worship.

Besides complete physical healing, everything that comes to mind for me when I think of Heaven, I have access to today.

I have access to Heaven today.
Because of Jesus.
Because of Christmas.

Being part of the common space didn’t negate my commitment to the king. But I am a daughter of the King and I belong in his castle. We all do. “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18

Most of us live in the common space. We love the king, but we aren’t ready to leave it all at the door. But when we do that, we limit our access to the king and his kingdom. Jesus came so you could stop looking afar at his castle. He has prepared a place for you there. He is waiting with open arms.

How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Psalm 84:1-3

May we always dwell in the inner courts of the Lord.

Merry Christmas,