My hope and prayer is that we can walk through this grief journey together, in real time, so we can come out on the other side – healthy, whole and ready for whatever is next.
Before moving forward I do want to note one thing. I talk about grief as if it is linear, it is not. It is dynamic. You can vacillate between the different phases within minutes, hours, weeks or months. But for the sake of clarity, I communicate it as if it were linear. So if you find yourself going in and out of different phases of grief, there is no need for alarm.
A lot of people ask me how to know if they are grieving. Let me share about my emotions over the last few weeks. I hope my experiences will shed light into what grief may look like and where you are at in your own grief process.
Like most people, we had felt pretty distant and un-affected by COVID-19. We went to Duluth on vacation and had a nice time. We felt relaxed about the whole thing. Then something shifted in Bryan. He became concerned. He sat me down and told me that we shouldn’t go out anymore; we needed to quarantine ourselves. He told me the Coronavirus was much more serious than we thought. I actually think I laughed at him. Then I just started yelling. When I feel out of control, sometimes I just start yelling. If you are familiar with the Enneagram, I’m an 8. It doesn’t ever work out well when people tell me what to do. I’m also a 110% extrovert and I hate being at home. I thrive when I’m social. So when he told me that we had to stay home, it was like telling me I was going to die (No drama here).
For the next couple days I kept trying to explain to him I absolutely could not stay home and he read the recommendations wrong. There is no way that we, Americans, had to be quarantined – that only happened to other people in other countries. But unfortunately, I couldn’t find any contrary evidence.
That is what Denial looked like for me.
For others it looked like people flocking to tourist destinations in New York City on the weekend even though the city is in a state of crisis.
For others it has looked like people going on with their lives like nothing has changed, trying to ignore the reality around them.
Does any of that resonate with you?
I am no longer in denial, I’m angry.
I am aware that all of the things I feel angry about are very shallow when you look at the big picture. But I believe this minimizing mindset is what keeps people from grieving properly. I am very aware I have a lot to be grateful for. I hold my grief and my gratitude in the same space. But I need to grieve these things, because I lost them. If I don’t grieve these things now, it will come out sideways later.
Keeping that in mind…..
I am so angry this is happening. I was substitute teaching, so I no longer have an income. I’m angry I have to figure out another job.
I am angry that I have to homeschool my children. It is on the bottom of my list of things I ever wanted to do.
I’m angry I can’t go to the gym. Not only is exercising a lifeline for me, it’s a social outlet for me as well.
I’m angry I can’t meet up with my friends. Like I mentioned earlier, I am 110% extroverted, if I am alone for more than 4 hours I get depressed.
I’m angry my daughter can’t properly transition out of 5th grade into middle school.
I’m angry my anxious daughter now has something else to be anxious about.
Do you relate to any of that? How about these?
Are you angry that you still need to go to work, while thousands of other people have the opportunity to work from home?
Are you angry that what seemed liked a secure job two weeks ago is suddenly now up in the air?
I mention denial and anger specifically because my guess is that is where the majority of us have landed so far. I will continue to process through all the steps as we continue on this journey together.
So now what? What do we do with this information? What are some practical steps to keep us moving forward through this process?
First, take a pause and evaluate where you are at. Are you still in denial? Are you still trying to move forward as if nothing has changed? Or are you feeling more quick to react, like your angry reaction is just below the surface? Are you finding yourself angry about little, stupid things?
Name it. Naming something is a huge step towards healing. Knowing what stage in the grief process you are in will greatly accelerate your journey towards healing. Being able to give language to my struggle has always helped me take leaps towards healing.
Claim it. After I got back from getting the kids’ school supplies this week, I started to cry. Bryan came and tried to comfort me. I told him, I’m just really angry all of this is happening and I need to cry for 10 minutes. I cried for about 10 minutes and was able to move on with the day.
Then give it to Jesus. You will hear me say it again and again, grief is beautiful and God created it as a pathway to healing. Ask God to join you in your journey, he will meet you there. As I cried on the floor in the bathroom, I told God how angry I was that this was all happening – but that in the midst of it all I loved him and knew that he would make good out of bad. Then I got up.
Then do it again. As emotions rise up, stop and evaluate where you are at. Then name it, claim it, give it Jesus and repeat. Your emotions will begin to change, they won’t necessarily get easier – just different. That means you are making progress. Rejoice, take a deep breath and then start the process all over again.
We are going to get through this friends. We are going to get through this together, one step at a time. .
Because there is more,