“Why do you write?”
It feels like an eternity has passed since I last wrote a blog post. It’s actually only been a month.
I’ve been silent because I’m taking a blog class. As the class began, I was once again confronted with the question, “Why do you write?”
When I’ve been asked that question in the past, I haven’t felt like I’ve had a good answer. The best I can come up with is “God told me to.” (Just in case you are wondering, that is a super weird answer for people that aren’t following Jesus.)
You see I am not a natural writer. In fact, in college (not high school mind you), I barely passed English Comp. Not only that, there are a zillion Christian women out there that are passionate about writing. These women have dreamt of writing since they were born. Why can’t I just leave the writing to them?
But every time I ask that question, I hear a clear, firm, yet loving voice say to me…..
Because I asked you to.
I have a 12 year old daughter. She wants to know everything about everything. She wants to know who, what, when, how and why to every question she asks. Not only does she want to know the answer, she wants to know it NOW.
I was so excited for my kids to be older. Mainly I was excited because I couldn’t wait to discuss with them, to process life with them. I couldn’t wait to explain the how’s and the why’s behind the “yeses” and the “no’s”
But what I have found is, while most of the time I can provide some explanation, there are times where “because I said so” just has to be enough.
I say that because sometimes there are pieces to the story that she can’t know about. There is a bigger picture unfolding around her. And as much as she would like to be privy to all the information, all the time, it would be too much for her to handle. My job as her parent is to share what is needed and helpful – then omit the rest.
Last fall, I left a job at a church. Not knowing what was ahead, I assumed that I would quickly find a job after the holidays. But even though I was very confident that I would find a job, I felt like God said in my spirit “Don’t look for jobs. Something will come your way and you will know that it’s right.”
“Really God? This is all you are going to tell me?”
“First “keep writing-because I told you to’. Then now don’t look for a job and sometime, someday, a job will come my way and you will know. “
I thought “God must have something more, something more specific in mind.”
But No matter how much I asked I heard the same response. “Keep writing. Don’t look for a job. You will know.”
(Full disclosure, I did apply for a few jobs. And each time I did it I felt convicted the whole time.)
If you’ve known me for more than 10 minutes you know that I am an activator. I deeply value purpose and vision. Waiting feels like torture, waiting in the unknown is unbearable. I am an 8 on the Enneagram and I have a deep felt need to control my surroundings. So as much as I was grateful for a little direction – I wanted more. “Can’t I get a little more direction God? Maybe a timeline?” Yet as much as I was frustrated, I knew I wanted to do it differently this time. I haven’t waited well in the past. Because I was impatient, I have acted out of emotion instead of being guided by peace. I have tried to push through and make things work, even when it was obvious it wasn’t working. I tried to blaze ahead, hoping to catch a glimpse of God in my rear view mirror. I didn’t want to do that again. I wanted to have a different story to tell about this season of uncertainty.
I was having a “moment”, when the song “Way Maker” came on the radio. I had heard the song hundreds of times. It is currently one of my favorite worship songs. But in that moment these words hit me in a new, profound way.
“Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working. Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper..my God that is who you are”
Then it hit me.
I, like my daughter, feel like I should know all the answers to all the questions. I feel like I should be privy to all the information, all the time. But I’m not. There are pieces of my story I’m not ready to hear about. There are things coming my way that would cause anxiety if I knew they were part of my future. There is a bigger plan unfolding around me and I play just a small role in the production.
So no matter how much I beg, whine and plead, God will give me just what I need – and omit the rest.
After hearing that song again, that chorus became my mantra. “Even when I don’t see it, You are working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working..”
Every time I felt frustrated and was tempted to act, I paused and repeated that song over and over again in my head. I repeated it until I started to believe it.
And you know what, he was working.
My family and I are moving to Covenant Pines Bible Camp for three months. If you would have told me a year ago that this is what I would be doing, I would have laughed. Even a month ago moving anywhere, for any amount of time, wasn’t even on my radar. It all happened quickly. But you know what, when the opportunity arose, I knew that was what we were supposed to do. Just like God said I would.
I’m not telling you this story because we all need to get up and move. Most of the time we are called to flourish where we are planted.
I felt compelled to share this story because I think we all, myself included, need a reminder that God is still on the throne and he is always on the move.
Even when we don’t see it.
Even when we don’t feel it.
He never stops working.
He is the way maker.
Because there is more,